Pizza Express - Disaster

Rest : Pizza Express
Meal : New Years Lunch
Loc : Off Regal, near Gateway of India, Colaba 

Mrs Jain & I, have a new years tradition, we usually go to Thai Pavilion for our new years lunch because not only is the food great, its freakishly consistent and i call it the best restaurant in the city if not the country.

However this year, i let Mrs Jain break away and we ended up at Pizza Express, this alone should have set alarm bells ringing. Like a gambler, once you place your bet, you NEVER move your chips because that is the sign of doom but then again, i dont gamble. 

Pizza Express has nearly 450 restaurants across the UK, Europe & the ME, which means more or less that they know what they are doing, or rather should know what they are doing. The menu is largish with a bunch of different pizzas, some pasta and appetizers. 

The ambiance is okay, industrial, exposed piping which has been done to death even in India. The kitchen sits in the middle which is kind of awkward and unfortunately, their exhaust system does not work nearly as well as it should. My eye were stinging a third of the way through the meal and it was pretty irritating. 

The first thing we got were the stuffed mushrooms, i remember having these before at San Marzano which was Pizza Express's earlier avatar at Churchgate. I also remember the dish being pretty good, this one however was under seasoned and under salted, no great shakes despite adding salt either. 

The dough balls, apparently based on a secret recipe, were quite ordinary and definitely  not an appetizer. Also, the mushrooms came with a bunch of dough balls, so we ended up with a portion and a half of something not quite so good. I wish they let you know on the menu what other dishes comes with dough balls so one does not go around ordering them, i could have gotten some garlic bread with mozzarella instead. 

The Canneloni, was okayish, it had a funky after taste and  i dont mean funky bad but just funky weird. The tomato sauce too felt like it was just warm sauce with no seasoning or taste, puree like almost.

The funghi di bosco was mushrooms, garlic and parsley and not much taste. thin and crispy, quick to eat but honestly it could have done with some taste to it. There really was not much going on here. 

The pizza was burnt on the edges, something i dont mind personally but mrs Jain dislikes immensely. Funnily enough, although the pizza was burnt, it was served completely cold. 

My Bruschetta con funghi was possibly one of the worst plated dish i have ever seen, didn't feel like eating it, the taste too was not that impressive, the bread they use tastes too much lik pav. Besides, this too was served cold and showed up only after our mains were finished, a dish nearly 50 minutes in the making.. not worth it in case you were wondering.

The side salad was rocket leaves with a balsamic drizzle and emil grana, the leaves were bitter and the drizzle and most of the cheese was hidden below the leaves, so all you essentially got was a mouth full of bitterness. 

The Chocolate Fudge Glory is quite inglorious, or rather it was a bit of a cock up. Should come with chocolate sauce but they couldnt find it apparently and ended up putting in caramel instead. weird thing is, mrs jain said both the desserts were sitting on a serving table for 15 mins and she was wondering which unlucky table was going to get them. Turns out we were the lucky ones.

Also, i am not a fan of substitutions to dishes without permission, beyond the fact that is is supremely annoying, it could be a hazard if someone is allergic to a particular item.

The Gelato was supposed to be chocolate and strawberry, turned out to be vanilla and chocolate, which i actually hate. the waiter insisted on taking it back but i had had enough of it. I took a spoon full of the mostly melted chocolate and it tasted too much of whatever liqueur they had used and we decided that was the end of it and walked out. 

Overall, the food was badly executed and carelessly presented. The recipes seem completely out of whack with every dish under seasoned, under salted, or just plain tomato sauce. Not a single thing stood out as remotely appetizing.

 The service was even worse, slow, dim witted, clue less and completely disorganized. We ordered our mains with the appetizers and still had to wait 40 odd minutes for them and one of the appetizers showed up 15 minutes after the appetizer. We could see food just lying on serving tables for minutes on end but no one could come pick em up. Our servers kept constantly changing and we must have dealt with five different people, so they are certainly not under staffed as they claimed. 

The table behind us was getting upset enough to get talk about throwing their glasses to get attention, i for one dont subscribe to that kind of behavior but they were truly driven to it with three little children it must have been exasperating to wait for food. 

The service is certainly a training issue, i dont think the team has been trained well at all and its unfair to have them face the brunt of angry patrons. A floor manager is a must, especially on a holiday like today when there are bound to be crowds. The only way to fix this place truly, is to shut down for a few days, re look at their recipes, figure out whats wrong and seriously, hyper train their people.

This is truly a management cock up and they really need to get their act together very quickly if they intend to survive in that area. I used to think Indigo Deli across the street was bad or slow service but damn they are positively electric geniuses in comparison. 

I have had a good run of excellent meals of late, so perhaps this had to happen sometime. I just hope this is not a sign for the coming year.

Food : 3/10

Service : 3/10

Damage : 3000 without drinks.  

The Pantry

Rest The Pantry
Meal Lunch
Loc Kala Ghoda

The Pantry is one of the slew of new restaurants that have mushroomed up in last few months. A bunch of other restaurants Paratha Mantra, Kala Ghoda Cafe, Trishna, Oye Kakke  are located in the immediate vicinity, beware there is absolutely no parking.

The Menu is relatively small, they serve breakfast until 1pm, beyond that there are some quiches, salads and pasta. I am all for limited menus that rely on local produce and supplies, ergo a set that changes daily even... is fine by me.

We started with possibly the smallest glass of lemonade ever served in a restaurant. Not sure what the skinting was about but since it was pretty ordinary it was perhaps a good thing it was not a tall glass.

The Gorgonzola with fresh apple was disgusting, left uneaten. A horrid combination if there ever was one.

Seasonal vegetable lasagna too was extremely weak, not much to go on here. I like the dry style but there was just no flavour.

The Marguerite salad was decent, a little too tangy but the sour, sweet tartiness worked well.

The Potato cream pie too was not going anywhere.. nothing going on here. The serving of salsa on the side was used in copious quantities to liven up the dishes as much as possible.

Overall, the place is pleasantly designed, kinda like smoke house deli but thats where the similarity ends. The menu is limited and i am all for limited menus using fresh available produce but that is not borne out by the flavours. The dishes dont work either individually or together and really need a total re-imagining.

Service was quick and friendly.

Food : 3/10
Service : 7/10
Damage : 1300

Dakshin - Disaster

Rest : Dakshin
Meal : Dinner
Loc : ITC Grand Maratha, Near the Airport.

I am a big fan of South Indian food, dine out regularly for thalis at Ramanayak, Mani's amongst others. Am also a fan of the ITC hotel chain because they are unique amongst 5 stars in trying to promote Indian cuisine with their restaurants.

My Venezuelan born, American educated and Germany employed friend Edgard, who is a bit of a world traveller was in town for a day and i thought i would take him for a taste of something he is least likely to get anywhere else outside of India. We settled on Dakshin as North Indian cooking is easier to find compared to South Indian. Unfortunately my experience at ITC though was less than stellar.

Dakshin is one of the big ITC brands with multiple outlets across India. As the name suggests they do a cross section of dishes from across the South, recently they added the Coastal moniker to the brand. My previous visit is here although I have eaten there this was the first time i opted for a Thali.

Things meal began typically with chutneys, the tomato being the best one, the garlic second best, the coconut and green were okay.

The poppadums were nice, the traditional white ones were best, the rest were way too oily.

The Rasam was okay. More like a vegetable soup than a tomato rasam, certainly not in the league of a Ramanayak, Mani or even a Cafe Madras. Disappointing.

they serve molgapoddi, gun powder and other mixtures to which one can add ghee and have it with plain old rice as well as with the other dishes.

There is something they call the Iyer trolley, where they serve mini versions of Uttapams which was okay, one of them was a sweet banana based which i completely avoided.

The two starters were Vadai which were again, fairly basic and dry. The second was a some fried veggies which actually reminded me of something i would get a Chinese joint in a small town.

The other items in the thali were an eggplant curry which i did not like much, roast potatoes which were nice. The appams were okay.

The tomato pappu was a tomato gravy with lentils etc, it was decent, there was the tendli vegetable which i did not enjoy much, the stew was pretty good.

The curd rice was quite a disappointment, they did not have any lemon pickle but the garlic pickle they served sort went with.

The Payasam was actually the better dessert and was liked by all on the table.

Overall, the ambiance of the place is okay, the service is top notch, informed, prompt and eager to serve, although i will dock points for the hard sell on wine.

Now, the food was just average, compared to a Ramanayak or a Mani, the food is not even in the same sport, let alone league. You get a great deal of starters, which is a definite contrast to RN & Mani's. However the starters aren't that great and ruin your appetite for the mains (which in turn are also pretty weak, a total loss-loss)

Of course the setting is opulent and the service completely unhurried but when it comes to the food its just not up to the mark. They even scrimped out on yoghurt and buttermilk, which you would get as standard with any south indian meal. When you consider the price 3000+ taxes on the veg thali and 3500 on the non veg, it was not only downright stingy it was bad form.

Dakshin needs a fundamental re-think of their offering. Get a Ramanayak cook to come in once and show you how its done.

I know we don't go into 5 stars to have cheap meals but even by 5 star standards the ITC pricing is outrageous, Konkan cafe, at the Taj President, serve a Konkani thali which is a ball park offering for Rs.1200.

Now i have no problem paying up, hell i pay the prices at Kebabs n Kurries, provided I get good food. At 3000 + taxes even a good meal wont do, I want a GREAT meal.

Shame on me though, i could have a fantastic thali for 120 bucks, i chose, this. Can't blame anyone else.

Food : 3/10

Service : 8/10

Damage : 9500+ tax for 3 without booze.

PS. There was also an unfortunate incident with a paan, the paan they served was pretty bad, all three of us were in various state of discomfort almost immediately.. Mrs. Jain had a messed up throat and could not taste or eat anything the whole of the next day, besides she also had some ulcers in her mouth. I had some ulceration and couldn't taste a thing pretty much the whole of the next day.

The Big Nasty

Rest : The Big Nasty
Meal : Dinner
Loc : Near Olive, off Carter Road, Bandra

The Big Nasty, was a last minute choice, we hard three groups of people converging around 7pm and the best we could come up with was The Big Nasty. I had never heard of the place but was willing to give it a try. One of our parties was already in but they weren't getting a table for some weird reason.
When we entered we were stopped by a guard who asked for some money to give us a drinking permit for the day. Its good to see bars following the law, no matter how ridiculous and irrational it maybe. Anyway, the whole thing was quite weird, first they wouldnt let us through, then they made us get permits and insisted on a reservation. WTF.. is all i could think. Why do bars need reservations early on a Sat evening?

In any case, four of our party was made to wait, then we were offered a shitty table and once they saw we were a group of eight, they were able to give us a proper table almost immediately. I was already uninterested in being there after all this drama.

We got the veggie platter which had some average onion rings, some not so bad Quessadilas, fiery jalapeno poppers and a little bruschetta/crostini which was the best thing on the platter. Nothing great. and pray why the f*** would you serve a platter like this with sour cream?

The Nachos were extremely badly put together, the tortilla chips seemed readymade out of a pack, the beans nor the the salsa had any real flavour. a complete, let down.

The Burger we got had an option to be turned up to the Big Nasty Burger which is a double patty for 50 rupees. unable to resist a bargain i doubled up and naturally i lost. The decision came to haunt me as now i had doubled the size of a completely horrid burger. It was basically a potato patty with some pickle and a slice of cheese.
Even students in a college cafeteria could do a better job for sure.

we had a couple of beers, although i didnt drink any, there might have been a cocktail as well, cannot recall.

Overall, the place is well laid out but the ambiance is terrible. They played absolutely horrendous music (The CD must have been labelled the WORST of the 90's)

The menu is mostly Americam/Tex Mex but the food has pretty much no redeeming quality at all, nor does the place. For folks who make it such a pain in the ass to enter and get a table they seem to avoid filling the giant holes in their sofas.

No way im going back and i reckon you should stay the hell away too, unless you are looking for misery.
Food : 3/10

Service : 6/10
Damage : appetizers and some beers for a party of 8 at 6000.

Ripped Off at Haagen Daz

 So Haagen opened shop in South Bombay finally, apparently they had an outlet at a mall in Malad a little while ago, so with 30 mins to kill before Hugo (fantastic movie, must see) we decided to head down to H-D and get some dessert.

Now, i am a fan of HD and no trip to London is complete without a session at their Leicester Square outlet, its something i have been doing for the best part of a decade. Same with their outlet in Singapore's Centre point. 

So what went down in the store was not just a massive disappointment it was also more or less fraudulent.

I ordered their coffee with beglian chocolate which is served with choc sauce as well. Now, i have had coffee at HD before many times and its almost always served like an afogato with ice cream, shot of espreso poured in along with milk or just the choc sauce. 

Now, completely oblivious to me,  the gentleman who took our order informed my wife that there was no Belgian Chocolate when she asked for a scoop. My nose was buried in the menu and i did not hear this bit. In any case she went for the chocolate chips and i went for a cup of coffee.  

Ten minutes later they come by with the coffee and one sip and i know there is no Belgian chocolate in it. I asked the server to come by the table and then i told them the problem.

He went on to tell me that they blended the ice cream in the coffee already which was a total laugh because the coffee was pretty hot, no way it was blended with ice cream, besides i was pretty sure that is not the way its meant to be served.

Then of course the wife chimed into say that she was informed there was NO Belgian chocolate so how come they blended the ice-cream with it.

At this point the chappie said he would be back and then 10 mins later sent his manager to deal with the situation.

The manager tried to fob me off with the same crap, saying its blended and when i countered that it was NOT blended and that they didn't even HAVE any Belgian chocolate he was speechless. He continued to insist that they have never had any problems and that this is exactly how the coffee is served. When i told him to maybe get me a book with directions from corporate which says so he had no answers.  

He did offer to get us something else but we had 10 mins to go before the movie started and i was already quite annoyed with all the lying. I wish customer service people would just stop lying and trying to save their own asses, it never works out well for anyone, not the brand, not the customer and certainly not the employee. 

For the record, the chocolate chips was atrociously bad. 

No chocolate anywhere whatsoever, i mean it looked the part but that was it. So for 240 rupees we had some pretty mediocre ice-cream and were lied to. as well. They got the décor right, that's about it.

Quite an experience. If you want chocolate chip get some from Amul, not only is it all kinds of awesome its cheap as hell too. Not going back i am sure.

Fortunately the movie was beyond great and ergo the evening was salvaged.

Francescos

Rest : Francescos Pizzeria 

Meal : Dinner (Takeout) 

Loc : Chinoy Mansion, Warden Road, Gate Next to Precious 

Sunday evening, hunger pangs usually lead to us ordering something and then waiting forever to get it. We decided to head to our club for dinner instead but half way down Chowpatty saw that the floodlights were on at Wankhede which could only mean an abominable IPL match, which meant the club facilities would be closed.

So we turned around and were thinking of ordering Dominos (which i dislike) or Smokin Joes (which i like but takes forever to deliver, especially on Sunday) It occurred to me that there were two pizza joints we had not tried.  One was Junos which is addressed as Hughes Road, no building no number. The other was Francesco's Pizzeria

If it had only occurred to us 30 mins before, we wouldn't have had to go half way down Marine Drive and then turn back, Francesco's is about a 10 min walk from my place. In any case, Francesco's has just about the worse location, its located in a lane right next to Precious Hairdressers, opposite St.Stephens Church at Warden Road (why they have addressed it as Kemps Corner i will never understand)

Now, real estate being what it is in Bombay, the location itself does not bother me one bit, conversely its inconvenient location raised my expectations quite a bit, thoughts of a glorious pizzeria tucked away in a garage was quite a romantic foodie notion.

The place is small, a handful of tables that can seat at the most ten people, since the tables were full we decided to get the pizza to go. The menu is small, about a dozen and a half pizza options (7,10,13 inch) with some desserts. One can choose to make their own pizza as well. 

We ordered some garlic bread (50 i think) which was softy and very oily to taste. 

The 10inch Margherita (225) was absolutely ordinary, really nothing to write home about. The sauce was flat and the cheese had no character, just really tasteless.

The other option we chose was Margherita 13 inch with jalapeños and mushrooms i think (450 =330 + 50 per topping) The toppings made this better than the 10 incher but that itself is nothing to write home about.

Overall, the interminable wait for the pizza did annoy us a little but they have only been open for a few days and I am willing to cut them some slack for it. I would also be okay with the wait if it was worth it, however i thought their pizzas were terrible.

The crust is thin, not Indigo Deli thin but just about, they have a wheat base option but no regular crust ( i like any crust, thin, regular, deep dish, whatever)

So not only was it bad pizza, it was not filling (which is a good thing i guess) and the price pretty much killed any little joy that was to be found.. They didn't even cut the pizzas and we ended up pawing at them like hyenas.

Its one thing if they had some crazy artists putting their heart and soul in it and charging a bomb, that i can live with but this was sheer mediocrity and 800 bucks for mediocrity is way too much. We had to pick up a salad and a half sub (250 bucks) at Subway next door because we were sure this would not be enough.

Id order Domino's before id order from Francesco's again.. and i HATE Domino's.

Papa Johns where art thou?

Food : 3/10
Service : 5/10
Damage : 800

PS. The wife and i have been arguing about this, she thinks the pizza was pretty good (but then she married me, so i cant say much about her state of mind) perhaps i will do another test and revert at some point long as she is paying. 

A quick bite at Indigo Deli

Rest : Indigo Deli
Meal : Quick early afternoon bite
Loc : Phoenix Mills, Lower Parel

Customer service has never been a strong point at any of the Indigo Deli restaurants but i really think its high time they took things up a notch and became a little more responsible. People often complaint how diners behave badly with wait staff which i think is a no no. However, i think wait staff tend to be completely lackadaisical unless they face a ranting lunatic. 

I was over at the deli this Sunday, as i usually am to pick up some stuff from their Deli, in the rare hope that they might have some decent salads and dips to carry home.  

The wife chose a roast tomato soup which was pretty decent

i chose the large salad platter which had couscoups upma, watermelon and deta, roast peppers, a mousse of some kind. The platter itself was decent but interestingly i ordered the VEG platter and made sure they knew, when it came i confirmed the same thing.. however they threw in some chicken out of the kindness of their heart. if you look at the picture its a little difficult to tell if its chicken or not, which is why the inquiry. Anyway, eventually, i took a bite.

Fortunately for them i am not a screamer or a violent man and pointed this out to them, i did get an apology but somehow, i feel they got away with it cheap. Being early on Sunday, i didnt want to make a fuss, the wife though was almost up in arms, what did upset me was that the waitstaff thought it was funny and were sniggering in the corner. 

i thought about another gentleman who had this happen to him in another restaurant and proceeded to file a complaint with the police. I am pretty sure, a few people i know would have been radically upset. Also, i think they should have had the decency to take the salad off the check.

Anyway, to make a long story short, i finished my bit, paid my check and will choose to vote with my feet..and though i love the food there, i dont think i am going back for a while.

Food: 6/10
Service: 3/10
Damage : 1200

Kailash Parbat - Epic disaster

Rest : Kailash Parbat
Meal : Lunchish
Loc : Andheri Link Road

I have been stuck in Andheri for post production on the film for the past couple of days. Its unfortunate that the post prod hub for films in Bombay is located in an overtly commercial culinary wasteland such as Andheri.

There is no halfway decent restaurant in the entire stretch ( i havent been to the Indigo Cafe) Getting ready for a 5.30 pm lunch, we were starving and tired, didnt have the courage to cross the street and head into the Infiniti Mall for a bit because lets face it - it was too hot and Infiniti is a wasteland of another kind.

So we ducked into Kailas Parbat as it was the closest restaurant. Big F***** mistake this. The place was sort of fullish probably coz KP has been trading on its name. We ordered the Kachori which was fairly disgusting.

The Chana Bhatura was reheated, oldish, spicy and the bhaturas looked dodgy. We also tried the tikki but neither of us had the courage to actually go further then two bites.

They didnt get us our drinks and we found it prudent to just get the hell out asap. Although, whatever it was they put in the food followed us back home and we ended up with upset stomachs.

Food : 1/10 (lowest rating ever)
Service : 1/10 (lowest ever again)
Damage : 300 or so on food, physiologically about 200,000 worth.

Avoid like the farking plague

Tulip - AWFUL ! Avoid at all costs..

Rest : Tulip
Meal : Lunch
Loc : Warden Road

I remeber Tulip as a neighbourhood restaurant back when i was a kid and lived at Napean Sea Road. Unfortunately i cant recall much from my visit there back in the day. They downed shutters as i moved a few minutes away. So when i heard they were open again as a wine bar/restaurant i was intrigued.


The place is on the lines of an upmarket deli and is quite spacious. The airconditioning was on full blast and that was about the

The menu is expansive and goes from breakfast to salads, pasta and pizza. The overall themse is more or less Mediterranean, along the lines of an Indigo Deli or a Cafe Basilico or even a Moshe. All of which have similar menus.

We started with the Mezze platter (and stopped with it too as you shall see) it was supposed to be hummus, muhammara, moutabel and olives with fried pita chips on the side. So the hummus was frozen for god knows how long and tasted disgusting. We were served some tomato salsa in the guise of muhammra. the plate we were given was wet which in turn made the pita wet. Few complaints later everything came back but then again we asked for our moutabel which was not served to begin with. When we finally got it, we decided it was safer NOT to eat it and cut our losses. Got the hell out of there.

Tulip was empty which is probably down to their ridiculously bad food and untrained staff. While they were not rude in anyway they had no clue about anything. No one knew what was in the mezze platter and they had even less clue about how to behave. Shouting amongst themselves, refusing to come up and talk to us when we had a question etc, etc, etc.

Overall, i would recommend you skip Tulip alltogether and head to Banyan Tree Cafe at Pedder Road or Cafe Moshe at Kemps Corner.

Food : 0/10
Service : 2/10
Damage : nothing. we refused to pay for the food. 50 bucks for the Thumps Up.

Botticino - Avoid !

Rest :Botticino
Loc :Trident,BKC
Meal : Dinner

Botticino is supposed to be a take off the old Vetro from the Trident at Nariman Point. While i was never overtly impressed with Vetro, it was sort of allright.

Botticino however is a pale imitation (of a weak restaurantt to begin with) at best. The place is laid out well, in what is a gloriously designed hotel but the ambiance is more business without any cool factor or romance(for those that need that sort of thing)

The bread service was commendable, good stuff, variety of options, yet it was all about to go downhill from there.

The Minestrone was horribly bland. No taste, as a soup itself Minestrone is different from region to region and season to season. So when the chef came out and told me that this is possibly why i didnt like it, all i wanted to say was that no matter the ingredient, no matter the region, no matter the season, there is no excuse for something so tasteless !

The anti pasti was actually the only halfway decent dish. peppers, artichokes, olives, parmesan and mushroom. Not bad at all, pickled to perfection.

Both the pastas were highly recommended by our server, the pasta Paccheri was tomato, cheese mostly on a heavy pasta, the risotto was walnuts and cheese.

Horrid. Shocking how weak the food was, the paccheri was generic, the risotto could have been made with paper.

The chef came out and we had a long chat, i hate talking to chefs, i wouldnt like it if someone told me how to do my job and i get the feeling that they feel the same way. Which is why i dread being asked what i think of the food.

Overall, the place is business like but comfortable and fairly well laid out. The service is friendly, prompt but they seem to freaking clueless as to how bad their food is. Chef Mayank who was cooking is apparently headed to Vetro when it reopens.


Food : 3/10
Service : 5/10
Damage : 2250